The Tiger Mom

The pharse that launched a thousand words: Tiger Mom

The new hotly debated topic is nothing very new - something that has been the major topic of contention in all houses - how to bring up kids!!

Amy Chua wrote an essay in WSJ about how Chinese moms are strict and use disciplinary methods to bring up their kids, striving at every available moment to make them the very best. She contrasts this with the Western way of friendly and sensitive handling.

This has caused a huge online uproar and there are so many megabytes has been written commending, complaining, defending and tearing Amy to pieces.

I see it in two different dimensions.

One, a more tangential view is that it is so amusing to see how people get riled up on such things rather than ignoring it as her view. Read the essay and you will realize that she isn't even labelling the Westren way as bad; but in my opinion, she is just contrasting it with what she thinks is right.

It is just so easy to start off a war....even a war of words. And I am sure this will color the already jaded view on all asian ways. We will still continue to be seen as backward barbarians in the eyes of the 'liberal modern westerner'.

The other dimension is on the hot topic itself. Is Amy right or is she wrong? Well, thats depends. We have often heard and to some extent seen the adage 'spare the rod and spoil the child' in action. I think its neither right nor wrong as it entirely depends on the circumstance. There are moments when a misbehaving child needs to be admonished without us worrying too much about what it will do to the child's self esteem and also times when sensitive handling will go a long way in building the confidence.

As an adult now, when I look back, I can appreciate now many of the instances when my parents have been strict with me or haven't given permission for doing certain things.

If they hadnt been strict about eating all veggies, I certainly wouldn't have developed the love for them (but the thought of cauliflower curry still scares me; I eat it in limited portions nevertheless). Most importantly, he taught me that everything is worth trying at least once. This lesson goes a long way for me now.

Going to music classes when I couldnt (and still cannot) sing even a single note right after school when we could be playing; it certainly wasnt the most enjoyable experience. But looking back, if they had given up on that then, I wouldnt have developed the basic taste and the ability to appreciate classical music. And we also made some very good friends there and got our share of playtime too!

I can go on listing many many such things - each fundamental to my 'now' personality; nurtured lovingly over years with equal doses of love and discipline. I think the most basic underlying fact that was always imparted to me and my sister was that they loved us the most and whatever they did was for our good. And thats what has made us successful as good human beings today.

In my opinion, people who are riling up against Amy is missing this fundamental piece - her children are happy, loved and secure in that knowledge that they are loved.

I am not saying that the Western way of leniency and individualism is wrong. But that also needs moderation similar to how discipling needs.

Most kids dont even know if they like something or not. They want to play the guitar because the cool teenager does so, or the hero in the movie did so. Maybe they would like the piano too, but they see only serious, 'stuffed-shirt' old people doing so.Maybe initiating them slowly to classical music might spark off their interest?

It is a bit too much to expect five or even ten year olds to know what they like or will be good at. They like bread and jam one day and hate it the next day!

But pushing them to be the best in all fields is taking it too far. When the need to excel comes in, the fun aspect dies taking the creative spark along with it. Then things can easily become a punishment than an hobby. If all children got A+ grades, then whats the point? The bar will automatically rise and the definition of A+ changes and we all will be square one again!

Amy mentions in her essay that no chinese mom will accept anything less than A+ from her child. But hey, I would like to see a class of all chinese kids where everyone gets A+. It is just not possible.

Obviously, the method applied has to change and adapt as the child grows up.

Trying to treat a child like an adult hardly works; but teaching the child how to be one always will! And probably the most important thing to remember is that like how each child is unique and special, so is every parent!

Well, all this from a person who has zero experience in parenting but has over 30+ years of being brought up by 'not-so-Tiger' parents!

By the way, the essay is at

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html