It was easy to care for Sathya when he was in front of me; something like keeping my hands busy and mind blank - well, not blank per say but grounded to things that need to be done in the present. But to see him on the stretcher being wheeled away from me, to see him so pale and shivering right after then 7 hour long ordeal - it is so difficult to explain. Can I do it all over again?
In the evenings and night that yawned so long, it was easy to just get up and touch him and re-assure myself that all was well. How will it be this time over?
Like Sathya keeps saying - think of the week ahead, plan for the time when all this is over and behind us, the plans we can make for the times ahead.....I am trying.
I dont want Sathya to see me upset for that upsets him more. Shouldnt it be easier the 2nd time over? Take it from me, it is not. It is like knowing beforehand that you are going to fall and get hurt badly and waiting around for that to happen!!
And then there is a bit of guilt as I am the one pushing him to get this done. Thinking practically, this is the best for us. But I am the one who is putting everyone through this emotional ordeal....
Wish it was next week......
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